just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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