so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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