I wanna bring you to show and tell
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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