i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
