when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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