Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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