my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
