I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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