My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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