I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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