WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
