did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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