Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
