Cold hands, warm shart.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
