Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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