Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
