Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
