Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
