i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think my fart just growled at me.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
