is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
