fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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