please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
