I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
