glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize