Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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