went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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