Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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