I think my fart just growled at me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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