turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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