I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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