You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
