What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
