i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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