i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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