i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize