I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
