One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
