We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize