No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
