I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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