no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize