1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
