Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I need water and some morals
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
