this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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