here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
