i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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