My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
