He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish I only lived at night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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