So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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