Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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