Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Randomize
