Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
