Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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