I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
