Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
