I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
