have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize