4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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